Job reference: JOB-0067
REHIRINGLead Unicycle Tyre Morale Officer
Keeps tyres inflated, confident, and emotionally resilient. Conducts pressure check-ins, motivational briefings, and post-wobble reassurance sessions. Tracks performance indicators like squeak frequency and tread anxiety. Intervenes when a tyre starts 'going flat for attention' or when wheels form a workplace grievance circle.
Salary: $42k + mystery bonus envelope
Reports to: Inflatable Systems Chief
Rehiring Reason
The previous post-holder attempted to resolve a lion-related dispute using “interpretive mediation” rather than submitting Form L-7 (Lion-Related Arbitration Request). The lion considered this an admission of guilt.
Brief Organisational Context
Congratulations on reaching the exciting stage where you are considering formal employment with The Circus (hereafter referred to as “the Organisation,” “the Big Top,” and, in certain historical documents, “that place where the incident happened”).
By submitting an application for the role of Lead Unicycle Tyre Morale Officer, you are expressing interest in joining a dynamic, fast-paced, paperwork-intensive environment where risk is not a possibility but a recurring theme.
A couple of things to note before you apply
Terms
Existence Is Conditional: Your continued employment in this role may be paused, resumed, or edited for pacing, at the discretion of Management and/or the Narrator.
Predator/Prey Ambiguity: You acknowledge that the Circus operates a dynamic ecosystem. At any time, you may be reclassified from staff to snack due to budget cuts.
Plague & Pestilence: You accept the risk of contracting dysentery, scurvy, swamp fever, smallpox, or a mysterious ailment simply labelled THE CIRCUS COUGH in a ledger from 1892.
Temporal Hazards: You may encounter paperwork dated tomorrow, yesterday, or the long ago. Submitting forms may cause mild time-looping.
Bone Policy: The Circus cannot confirm the structural integrity of ladders, chairs, unicycles, or your own confidence.
Haunting Provision: Certain tents are haunted. The ghosts are unionised. You agree not to antagonise them unless formally challenged to a duel of paperwork.
Lion-Related Arbitration: Disputes involving lions will be settled by the lion. The lion's decision is final and may be delivered at speed.
Mystery Liquids: You consent to incidental contact with unidentified liquids. Some are water. Some are not. None will be explained.
Emergency Evacuation: In emergencies, you must follow the illuminated signs unless the signs begin moving, in which case follow the loudest person named Nigel.
No Guarantee of Liveliness: While the Circus endeavours to maintain a generally alive workforce, it cannot guarantee safety, liveliness, intact trousers, or a dignified legacy.